


If I had a penny for every time you hurt me

by mmt_regina_nox



Series: Beautiful & Ruined, Yet Still Redeemable [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Erotica, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Graphic Description, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, POV First Person, POV Multiple, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture, Physical Abuse, Post-Avengers (2012), Self-Harm, Sexual Tension, Sexual Violence, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:48:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27409105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mmt_regina_nox/pseuds/mmt_regina_nox
Summary: If I had a penny for every time you hurt me… I’d be the world’s richest person…!Or, alternatively, this is what happens when you put together two broken souls….....(I suck at summaries, I cannot apologize enough…!)
Relationships: Bruce Banner & Natasha Romanov, Frigga | Freyja/Odin (Marvel), Loki (Marvel)/Original Female Character(s), Loki/Sigyn, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Sif/Thor
Series: Beautiful & Ruined, Yet Still Redeemable [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024624
Comments: 15
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1: A Falsified Sense of Freedom

**Author's Note:**

> So, I decided to start a Loki fanfic. I’ve never done an ongoing fanfic and, seeing as this is not beta read for the time being, I will ask you to please forgive any typing or grammatical mistakes, as English isn’t my first language.  
> This will probably be updated every two to three days, so approximately 2 times a week – unless my muse decides to stay longer and bombard me with ideas, that is…!  
> Anyway, I hope this works!  
> Also, please, PLEASE, pay attention to the warnings and tags, I’d hate to trigger anyone! >_<  
> Other than that, just sit back and enjoy your reading! <3

Chapter 1: A Falsified Sense of Freedom

(Loki’s POV)

The iron wire gates slid open with a screeching sound that, on any other day, would have grated on my nerves. Not today, though.

Today was a wonderful day. I stood there and breathed in the crisp winter air, smelling frost in the distance. It would be snowing soon. Good. My breath made almost no puffs in the frosty air – sometimes, I felt grateful for my Frost Giant heritage. But, only sometimes.

“Come on, Loki, we don’t have all day. Move it”, Steve Rogers, also worldly known as Captain America, said, pulling me along, his breath leaving visible clouds behind him. It figured they would send this particular man to escort me into my new living quarters, where I am to meet my parole officer.

I’d been lucky enough to be released under supervision – the cells in that rathole of a prison had been nothing short of atrocious and entirely too unhygienic for my liking, reeking of mortals who had nothing better to do than bully me and give me hell merely for the fun of it, knowing my powers had been basically vetoed by a special bracelet, designed by Tony Stark and Bruce Banner.

That same bracelet is what granted me this small freedom.Not that I would ever express any gratitude to the Man of Iron… OR the Hulk, for that matter. I still have nightmares from the severe beating I took from that monster – after all, even an Asgardian god is susceptible to such gruesome abuse…!

We got into the waiting car and the driver started the engine and took off down the road.I looked outside as the high, dark gray walls lined with barbed wire at the top grew smaller and smaller behind us.

I could hardly believe it. I was free. Well, relatively. Still, surely this would be much better than being caged and treated like an animal…!

… right…?

(Sam's POV)

It couldn’t be that bad, right? He’s just another criminal, another person whose parole I’d have to supervise. Just another guy, essentially.

Then why did I feel like I’m about to meet a god of some sort?

 _Because you ARE about to meet a god of some sort,_ _you idiot_ , that annoying part of my brain pointed out, _and, let’s face it: c_ _riminal or not, restrained powers or not, he’s still a god. He’s still immortal. He’s still powerful._

And what was I, compared to that? A joke of a parole officer, really. A little girl from Philly dreaming big, trying to play at cops and robbers except this isn’t the game I used to play with my brothers in our backyard, chasing each other around, wielding cheap toy guns and pretending to die – this is real. Real guns. Real criminals. Real death. Real blood.

So. Much. Real. Blood. Thick and free-flowing, staining everything red and smelling like copper coins. Trevor leaning over me with a dripping knife in his hand, flashing his blood-stained teeth at me while undoing his zip with the other-

_No._ _Get your shit together,_ _Sam_ _._ _You are free from that guy,_ _you know you are free_ _!_

I shook my head to clear out those thoughts. I needed to have a clear mind for when they arrived. As if right on cue, the doorbell rang.

Drawing in an empowering breath, I squared my shoulders and marched to the door, opening it with determination -which nearly deflated at the sight before me.

I had seen pictures of him, of course. Yet nothing could have prepared me for the sheer size of this man – standing at six feet and four inches, he was gigantic, towering even over Captain America himself. It seemed like a joke, really – his heavily armed escorts looked like minions standing next to their evil master. And what a master…!

 _What the fuck are you_ _doing_ _? Let them in!_ , my mind tried to work again. I ignored it as I stared at the man before me, gauging his reaction to me.

Because, strangely enough, Loki just stood frozen in his spot, staring at me in disbelief. I mean, I know I’m petite at a square five feet, but really, it’s not like I’m a dwarf! Though, compared to him, I might as well be.

Damn, he’s still staring. Just what the hell is his problem...?

(Loki’s POV)

It couldn’t be. It simply couldn’t be. She was far away, nowhere near this dimension. What was this apparition standing before me, mocking me in the form of my ex wife? And what the hell was she doing, playing dress up as a Midgardian police officer?

“S-Sigyn…?” I stuttered, not quite willing to believe my own eyes. The woman, a spitting image of the aforementioned woman, raised a well-defined, blonde eyebrow.

“I have no idea who it is you just called me, but my name is Officer Samantha Clemence, and I’ll be your parole officer for the next two years”, she said, tilting her chin up in defiance, “so you’d better behave yourself, Laufeyson”.

(Multiple POV)

Loki almost wanted to laugh – she even had the same personality! The sass, the defiance. What she lacked in height, she more than made up for in attitude. Oh, the fun he could have with a woman like that…!

“Excuse me”, Steve interrupted the exchange, “but could we come in? It’s freezing out here!”. Sam smiled and moved over to allow them entrance.

“Please, Captain, come in”, she offered. They came in, closing the door behind them. In the brief bout of silence that followed the noise of traffic outside, their eyes met. Icy blue met warm amber. They held the glance for a second, then Loki leaned forward and took the woman’s left hand in his right one and brought it to his lips.

“Pleased to meet you, Samantha. Or, perhaps, to break the ice, I should call you Sammy”, he offered a smile.

Sammy withdrew her hand sharply and stepped back until her back hit the wall. She was pale and sweaty.

“No one has called me that since… since...”, she muttered, her vision swimming, then everything went dark.


	2. Chapter 2: A Game of Regrets and Second Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is more on the inner reflection side, not much of a dialogue going on.   
> I just wanted to introduce you to some of the characters’ psyche, to let you in on the inner workings of their minds, especially Loki and Sam. I threw in some Steve, too, just because I have a feeling he has a very important role to play in this story.   
> Not sure where this is headed yet, though I can safely say I’m pretty bumped with the way it’s going so far!  
> As always, enjoy your reading! :D

(Loki’s POV)

The snow came finally, though it wasn’t how I had expected to welcome it. Standing by the window in one of the hospital’s multiple waiting rooms, I watched the snowstorm barrage the city of New York. Huddled in coats, the people ran from one place to the other as fast as possible, limiting their time out in the heavy weather. I couldn’t blame them, though I didn’t understand how anyone could not love this kind of weather.

I can remember loving snow ever since I was a little boy, playing in it for hours on end, without ever growing cold. Looking back on it. it had been a blatant indicator of my unnatural blood, though, in all my innocence at the time, I had thought nothing of it.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back to those simpler times, when playing in the snow with Thor and having mother teach me all about Magic was all that mattered. Before my mischievous nature took on a more sinister flavour. Before my jealousy blinded me to my love for my wife and, later on, my brother. Before… Thanos.

An involuntary shiver ran down my spine at the remembrance, while a phantom pain resonated throughout my whole body. I drew in a sharp breath and clenched my teeth to refrain from crying out.

Serving Thanos had been my greatest mistake. My greatest regret. I shook my head and looked up to the heavy, white sky. There was no point in that, now. It was too late for a game of regrets and second thoughts, as it served no other purpose than cause heartache and pain.

And, of the latter, I’d had more than enough to last me a few millennia.

(Steve’s POV)

I watched Loki as he stood at the window, looking out at the snow. He was a proud man, standing tall with his hands held behind his back like that. For a moment, his face clouded, then it contorted as if he was in pain, and I almost stood up with concern. And then it passed, like it was never there.

I leaned back in the plastic seat, puzzled by what I’d just witnessed – how could this being, with his near immortality and immense power coursing through his veins, feel pain? I’d always been under the impression that immortals like the gods of Olympus and other creatures from the fairy tales I used to read, never felt any pain, never suffered like we did. That’s why they were immortal – because our own fragility didn’t apply to them.

As a sickly child, I remember how I wished I could become immortal, so that I wouldn’t be sick anymore. And I could live as long as I wished and do all the things I wanted to do.

Little had I known my wish would come to pass, but it would involve war and constant conflict and loss…

Sometimes, late at night, I think about what my life would have been like if I had said no to testing doctor Erskine’s serum. In all honesty, I probably wouldn’t have made it past boot camp, as thin and weak as I had been. And then, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have lost Bucky and so many other comrades and good friends. I also wouldn’t have met Peggy. And what a loss that would have been…!

Sometimes I also sit there and think of all the choices I’ve made. Some I regret, some I don’t. And there is one that creates such a powerful conflict within me.

I know you wouldn’t expect to hear this from Captain America, but sometimes I regret sinking that aircraft into the sea. I know, I know, I saved the world and all that. Nothing would be the way it was if I hadn’t done what I did. Blah, blah, blah.

The thing is, my sacrifice, as noble as it was, took away all the choices and all the the chances I could have had. The chance to celebrate our victory and mourn for the lost ones properly. The chance at a happy marriage and family with Peggy. The chance to find Bucky sooner rather than later, perhaps even prevent Tony Stark’s parents’ murder in the process.

Still, it’s all a moot point now. What happened, happened. I made my choices, and now I have to live with them, just like everyone else.

Pardon the language, but that doesn’t make it suck any less.

(Sam’s POV)

Slowly, I opened my eyes, closing them immediately and whimpering at the onslaught of light. Then I tried again, slowly opening up to look around. I knew immediately, from the stinging smell of disinfectant and the putrid color of the walls, that I was in the hospital. Oh, joy.

Just as I was trying to get up, a nurse entered the room, rolling a nurse’s cart in front of her.

“Oh good, you’re awake! You gave those guys quite the scare!”, she said cheerfully as she checked me over, taking my blood pressure, flashing a light in my eyes, making sure all my vitals were in top shape. Honestly, I felt fine, more than fine, really, so I didn’t understand what she was fussing all over me for..

The last thing she checked was the heart rate machine. Nodding in satisfaction, she turned to me and started removing the IV from my left arm.

“Hang on. Why do I have an IV? Why am I hooked up in machines? How long was I in here?”, I asked. She gave a sympathetic smile as she collected everything in a metallic tray.

“Five days”, she said, rolling the cart away.

I sat there, dumbstruck, looking at her retreating form without really seeing it. Five days? What could have possibly happened to make me go out for five whole days?

A sudden thumbing pain erupted in the back on my head. Wincing, I reached back and tentatively touched the lower back of my head, near the base of the neck, and found a lump the size of a golf ball. Alright, so apparently I hit my head when I fainted. That can happen to anyone. Big deal.

I stopped rubbing and contemplated. Maybe it was a big deal. Maybe I hit my head so hard, it caused a concussion and the doctors had to induce a coma to help me recover. Still… I’d lost five days of my life. Five days I will never get back. Just like after the Incident, spent in a coma that took away six whole months of my life.

Oh, the sheer amount of stupid choices that led up to the Incident…! Trevor, and his influence on me, made me behave in ways that were not only stupid and immature, but utterly without any sense or logic behind them. Because of him, I’d lost a lot more than just six months in a coma. I lost my dignity, my sanity, my sense of self-worth and, above all else, I lost a piece of me I will never get back.

How many times have I regretted that decision? Millions upon millions.

_Alright, no. Just no. I refuse to think about THAT._

Slowly, I surveyed my surroundings. I’d been put in a single room – courtesy of Tony Stark, no doubt. The walls, painted in a sickening shade of green that nothing to cheer me up, were almost bare, save for the one right across form the bed, which boasted a large printed copy of Van Gogh’s “Sunflowers”. In the corner to the far left, there was a light brown armchair that looked comfy, with a small round wooden side table on its right side, sporting an average-looking, metallic gray table lamp on top.

Then, to the right of the table, there was a rather narrow, backless plastic bench in a creamy white. Above said bench was the large window, its blinds drawn up to let in as much light as possible. I noticed it was snowing heavily and felt a pang of disappointment – I’d been so excited for the snow, as I’ve always been. Turning back, I noticed the door, painted in the same creamy color as the bench, that must lead to the en suite bathroom, and the small hallway that must lead to the entrance of the room. I saw the edge of a storage wardrobe in that hallway, and that was it.

Besides the steady beeping of the heart rate machine to my left and my own breath, I could hear no other sounds. It must be a slow day. Or maybe the soundproofing was top notch. Just then, I heard muffled voices from right outside my door, and it sounded like someone was protesting or something.

The door burst open and Loki barged in, followed by Captain America yelling at him to calm down. I gulped at the very obvious storm brewing in Loki’s eyes as they landed on. What had I done wrong? I’d only fainted…!


	3. An Old, Festering Wound & A Monster of Innocence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is entirely from Loki’s POV. Though he was extremely difficult to work with, he wouldn’t shut up about it, so here goes…!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallelujah, it’s finally here! I had a hard time working with Loki on this one, but we got it done. Rather short for a chapter, but still, it’s what Loki had to say on the matter. As always, enjoy! :D
> 
> P. S.: Big thanks to @Notusingmyname for making the cover! You're awesome!

(Loki’s POV)

1

Five days. She’d been in a coma for five days. Why wouldn’t they let me see her? Earlier, I had overheard the nurse tell Rogers that Samantha was awake and, apparently, doing well, functionally-wise. I’d been worried out of my mind for the past few days. This woman, whom I’d only just met, must have done something to me, woven some sort of spell over me. For there was no other explanation as to why I felt so protective towards her.

Well, the devils of Muspelheim take it! I was going in, no matter what! With a deep breath, I strode over to her door, pushed the nurse aside and thrust the door open, barging into the room like a madman on a wild goose chase. I knew my behaviour probably made no sense to the others since it hardly made any sense to me in the first place, but I gave zero fucks to give at the moment.

I stopped abruptly when I saw her on the bed, confused and a little bewildered. I desperately wanted to hug her, to tell her it would all be fine, to alleviate her fears in whatever way I could. I had no explanation as to why I felt that way, I only knew I felt it.

“For the love of God, Loki, you can’t just barge into hospital rooms like that!”, came Roger’s voice behind me, following me inside the room.

“Sam? Are you okay?”, he asked her, wanting to make sure she was fine. Samantha nodded slowly, without taking her eyes off of me.

“What are you doing here, Loki?”, she asked with a frown. What was I doing there?

 _Don’t look at her like that, she’s not Sigyn,_ came the scolding thought. The rational part of my brain knew it to be true, and yet… My heart could not tell the difference between the wife I had betrayed and the virtually unknown woman before me. They were the same – the same translucent skin, the same petite feminine form, the same heart-shaped mouth, the same white-blonde, curly hair.

It was only when I looked straight into her eyes that I noticed a difference – unlike Sigyn, Samantha carried a pain within that fought to ooze out, like thick pus from an old, festering wound, and yet she kept it in check, not letting it take over. But it was there all the same, and I could tell there were plenty of skeletons in her closet, some of them rattling still. I knew it… because I could see the same thing in the mirror.

“I’m...”, I started saying, but stopped. What could I say? _“I’m here to make sure you’re alright”_? That’s what the Midgardian healers were for, they hardly needed my input.

“I’m sorry”, I finally said after a few seconds. Her eyebrows shot up on her forehead.

“Sorry? For what?”. Now she seemed really confused.

“For scaring you and making you faint. Obviously, that name is something you don’t wish to be called, so I’ll refrain from using it ever again”, I explained. She raised an eyebrow in surprise.

“Don’t thank me for it”, I hastened to add, “at least, not yet. I may scare you still… Samantha”, I winked at her and took a small pleasure in the blush that spread over her cheeks. Of course, I didn’t mean it, but surely a little flirtation couldn’t hurt…!

2

After a few hours and a lot of tests, Samantha was cleared to go home. The doctors suggested that she take it easy for a few days, and so Captain Rogers would be staying with us until she felt better. Not an ideal setup, but I’ve been known to work with anything handed to me. This was but a minor setback – a mere pebble on the road to glory, as they say.

You may have already guessed it, but I was determined to get to know and seduce this woman. Not so I could get away – I’d learned my lesson, believe me. No, it was merely that she had… power… over me. Strange, yet exhilarating. And there was this streak of defiance that lured me in even more, how she stood her ground, that petite female with the attitude of a giant.

Like I said… exhilarating.

“Coffee?”, she asked, looking at me over her shoulder. Today, she was wearing a loose, white knit jumper that left one shoulder bare, a pair of tight black leggings and some colourful, Christmas-themed socks. No slippers. The way she looked at me, with her chin touching that bare shoulder and her hair in a messy bun that let her platinum blonde curls frame her delicate face was excruciatingly sexy, and she wasn’t even aware of it. Which was probably a good thing, because gods forbid she should ever become aware of the effect she has on men. She’d be a force of nature, an unstoppable goddess of Sex.

And I should probably stop this thought train in its tracks before it gets me completely derailed.

“Yes, thank you. Double shot, one-”, I started to say, but she interrupted me:

“- sugar, no milk. Yes, I know”, she smiled and turned back to the coffee machine. I must have looked comical gaping at her, because the next time she looked at me, she laughed. That made me shut my mouth.

“I did my homework, Loki. I know how you take your beverages, what type of food you like, what kind of decoration appeals to you. You are going to be living here for quite some time, after all – I thought I’d make your stay a bit more comfortable”, she shrugged and turned back to the machine that was now pouring hot coffee into two mugs.

I knew she must have read the reports, because she had turned the second bedroom into a beautiful, Victorian-style bedroom with a four-poster bed with green velvet drapes, and all the furniture was exquisitely carved, with gold accents and black and green rich fabrics – crushed velvet, satin, brocade, damask. She must have worked with Tony Stark, for there was no way someone like her could have afforded all that. I even had a desk and my very own bookcase, filled with all sorts of Midgardian works of literature - I had taken a particular liking to one William Shakespeare. I found that I especially resonated with Hamlet. But, enough of that.

“You sound like a very studious student, Samantha. Were it that I was your professor, I can assure you – I would reward such diligent work rather handsomely”, I replied with a wink as she put the coffee mug down before me. I had the pleasure to see the blush spread across her cheeks before she turned away and I smirked, knowing I had some effect on her.

“Hey, guys? I need to go out for a bit”, Rogers said, bursting into the kitchen. I saw Samantha’s face change – in the last few days, I knew when the Police Officer came up, and this was one of those times.

“Everything alright?”, she asked concerned.

“Nothing too serious. Just regular Avengers business. I’ll be back before midnight. In the meantime, I expect you”, he pointedly looked at me, “to be on your best behaviour, and not to wear Sam out, okay?”, he inquired. I gave him my brightest smile.

“When have I ever misbehaved, Captain? You know me, I’m a monster of innocence!”, I replied, smiling sweetly. He simply snorted, gave a curt nod to Samantha and left. A few seconds later, I heard the front door open and close. I turned back to Samantha and found her nervously turning her own mug around in her hands. I decided a little teasing wouldn’t hurt.

“Alone at last. Are you ready to be thoroughly worn out, Samantha?”, I winked at her and she blushed so profusely, her cheeks became tinted with a brilliant pink colour that made her beautiful blue eyes stand out even more. It made me wonder what other parts of her body I could turn into this lovely shade of pink by way of hand or other means. I gave myself a mental shake – for the love of Yggdrasil, my thoughts got more and more deranged around her…!

“Wh-what do you mean…?”, she stuttered. Oh, how cute…!

“Why, I meant mentally! Ready for a few rounds of Scrabble?”, I asked with a wide grin.


End file.
